


You have to choose, Castiel

by keepcalmanddonotblink, MashiarasDream



Series: Hello, Dean [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cas POV, Choice, M/M, after you derserve to be saved, before after a lifetime, hello dean, mentioning of Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-25
Updated: 2014-09-25
Packaged: 2018-02-18 18:04:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2357201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keepcalmanddonotblink/pseuds/keepcalmanddonotblink, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MashiarasDream/pseuds/MashiarasDream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Confusion flows through Cas as he opens his eyes.  He is sure that he died... that Dean killed him.  He’s also sure that he was able to save him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You have to choose, Castiel

**Author's Note:**

> Again I have to thank MashiarasDream, who makes everything I write 200% better.  
> I love creating this series together with you! You are awesome!

Confusion flows through Cas as he opens his eyes. He is sure that he died... that Dean killed him. He’s also sure that he was able to save him. That conjures a fleeting smile and silent prayer of gratitude, whether his Father is listening or not. But the smile is gone the moment he remembers the feel of Dean’s fingers under his. It is the last physical sensation that got etched into his memories before the world dissolved. 

Maybe Hester was right when she had said that Cas was lost the moment he touched Dean. The moment he laid his hands on him in hell. Not lost in the way she thought but in a more fundamental way. But his Father would have known, right? He made Castiel after all. So he would have known what part he'd play in his creation. It is too much to ask that his eye rest kindly on Castiel after all he’s done, and God is gone anyway. And so is Cas. He’s gone to – a diner?  
There are red-white plaid tablecloths and the smell of pizza is in the air. It would be down-right cozy – if he wasn’t dead.

“Welcome, Castiel.” A tall guy, whose suit seems a little tight even for his thin frame, greets him the moment Cas’ eyes catch him standing in the doorframe at the back of the room.  
“I am confused. I should be dead.”  
“You are my friend. You are.” With these words, Death steps forward and walks up to Castiel.  
Castiel frowns and tilts his head, waiting for Death to continue.  
“You are curious where you are and why you are here? Castiel, haven't you ever asked yourself where angels go when they die?”  
“No. I had never the time to dwell on the question”, Cas answers, impatient and upset. Can a dead body still produce adrenaline? He just fought to the death and he doesn’t want to be in a diner exchanging pleasantries.  
“Always impatient... always rash… always impertinent… were you also always like this, or did you learn it from the brothers?” Death waves his hand dismissively before Cas can answer. “Well, angels go back to God, and before you ask, yes, he is still there, hidden maybe, but trying to do his best to raise his children.”  
“He’s still here? Where is he then? Why hasn't he stopped me? Why hasn't he done anything?” Cas doesn’t want to yell at Death, not after already having reprimanded about impertinence, but he can't help it. All this time he believed his father had left, abandoned him and now it was all … what?

If he didn't know any better he could swear that Death sighs before he answers: “You are the only angel who chose Free Will. So, I will be patient with you. Your question, my friend, has been asked by humanity since the beginning. It is beyond me to give you the answer. You have to find it yourself. But”, Death sighs again, “you asking this question is further proof that your case is complicated. It is different. Unprecedented, I believe.”  
“Why?” Why all this talk? Why can't Death just tell him where he needs to go?  
“You are an angel. But then, you are also not. You were human in more than one aspect and when you died, there was barely any grace left in you.”  
“I gave it to Dean…”

Death nods. “You chose. You chose free will. You chose to die human. I believe, choice is at the heart of your being. So I will give you something that I have not given anyone before. I give you a choice.”  
Death pauses to see the effect of his words, but Cas is still just confused. In lieu of anything profound to say, he opts to stay silent.  
“Castiel, ever since that business of saving a Winchester from hell went down, you were, well, I guess the closest description is that you were both angel and human, though the degrees varied. You had changed, much more profoundly than you might believe, long before your Grace got stolen. Oh, how much Naomi complained about you. You were always hard to keep in line. It was good entertainment, watching her yell. It gave me a certain fondness for you. Though that playing God thing was a bit much...”  
Maybe Death just loves to talk and is happy that he can babble on with someone who understands for once. 

But Castiel doesn't care. He is dead. He has done one thing right in the end, but that doesn’t change the fact that all that he wanted in his life has been ripped away from him. Whether he’ll be rewarded or whether he’ll be punished, it makes no difference anymore. Because no matter what, all that he wants is where he came from and where he can't return to. He just knows that for a fact. 

The smell of pizza suddenly turns his stomach at the thought of Dean being alone in the aftermath of this. There is no guarantee that Dean feels the same way about him that Cas feels about Dean and he almost wishes for him that he doesn’t. Because that would make things easier for him.  
But Cas himself hadn’t even understood, hadn’t understood what it means to need someone before Dean had been gone. And now Cas is gone. 

He prays silently that Sam got his note, that he made it in time to catch the only human Cas ever loved... before he does anything stupid. If there had just been a little more time… If he could just have told him… A slight growl escapes his throat, unbroken here where his voice does no good. “Get to the point, Death. What is this place? What choice do I have to make? Just tell me and let us get us over with this. ”  
“Impatient. So impatient. I never quite realized how similar you are to each other. Very well then, you are in the place in between”, Death finally answers a question. “This is as far as I can escort you on your way. The rest is up to you.” 

Death points to two doors in the wall that Cas hasn’t noticed before. Were they even there a moment ago? Death goes a step closer to the taller one. It looks out of place in the diner, white and golden, intrinsically ornamented, a swing door shaped like wings. “As an angel you can choose to go back to your Father and to your family. They’ll take you back. Maybe you can even be reborn as an angel if you ask them nicely.”  
Death walks over to the other door. It is small and simple, black, sturdy frame. It has no marks. For a lack of better word, it looks – unformed.  
“You are not human, Castiel. You cannot have your own personal heaven as they do. But you are human enough to share. This door leads to Dean Winchester’s heaven. It is laid out, but it is not fully formed yet, because he is still alive. I can make no promises as to whether you’ll find what your heart desires. But if you choose his heaven, you can wait for him.”

“I don't understand.” Maybe it was the blow to the head. Maybe his thoughts are all muddled now. Because this isn’t possible. Only the owner can decide to share his heaven. Death can’t do it for him. “You can’t grant me this.”  
“I believe you will find that I can.” Death smiles a tiny tight-lipped smile. “Dean has been at this juncture before.”  
Death leaves it at this and it makes Cas wonder. Did Dean give his permission for this? Did Death ask him about this? Did Death look inside his mind and see his thoughts? Now that would be a useful feature with Dean Winchester.

Before his thoughts can ramble on, Death interrupts him: “Let me be clear about the consequences of your choice. What you choose now cannot be taken back. It will be forever. A return to God offers you a fresh start. You will become a new angel, a new being. Your slate will be wiped. Everything you’ve done will be forgiven and you will be at peace once more. You will not mourn Dean Winchester because your human side will not make this transition. You will forget him along with all your deeds in this life. Instead, you will be with your heavenly family again and you will love them as they will love you. Anna and Balthazar, even Raphael, you will be as one. It will be paradise. I can promise you that.”

There’s a shortness of breath in Cas that gets worse the longer Death talks. It’s a very human thing, but he doesn’t know how to stop it. He longs for the warmth of his family. But forgetting Dean? Forgetting Dean is a horrible notion.

“If you choose to wait in Dean’s personal heaven, it might be a long wait. You are well aware that time does not flow the same there as down on Earth. You might wait for centuries. You might wait forever. I cannot guarantee that Dean will ever make it to heaven. If he doesn’t, well, I will not close down your home around you. But you’d face eternity alone. If he revokes his permission for you to be in his space, he’ll create a new heaven and you’ll face eternity alone. And I mean that literally. It is not your heaven you’ll be waiting in. You cannot pass its boundaries. And you cannot permit others to cross into this realm. Dean alone can do that.”  
Death’s smile borders on pity when he continues: “Of course you might be lucky. He crosses into his heaven in his dreams sometimes. Very rarely, because he doesn’t believe he deserves to be here. But sometimes he dreams of it. Sometimes he dreams of you. You’d see him when that happens. Though he’d disappear the moment he wakes up.” 

“I’d see him? I could talk to him?” So much hope is mingled in Cas’s voice even though he tries to stomp it down.  
But he sees Dean alone, in a motel room somewhere, praying to someone who can’t hear him anymore. The guilt crushing him until there’s only crumbled pieces. If there is anything Cas can do to make that better…  
“You’d see him. You could talk to him. I cannot promise that he’ll remember when he wakes up. But yes, you’d see him.”  
Cas stays silent. This is so much. His mind is reeling.  
Death gives him a judging look: “There is one more thing. There is a connection between the two of you that is a very profound bond. If it stays true, it is not unheard of that it transmits. That when he’s talking to you in heaven, you might be able to hear. Not to answer. But to hear. But I cannot promise you anything. If you chose this, it is at your own risk.”

“But I wouldn’t see my family again?”  
“No. Not ever. You won’t forget that they exist, either. Nothing of you will be lost if you choose this. But you will lose everyone but Dean.”  
Something in Cas snaps: “Again? I have to choose between my family and Dean? Again?”  
“Rash and impertinent”, Death sighs. “But yes, this is the deal I can offer. A choice. It is more than most others get. Choose well, Castiel.”  
“Wait!” Cas shouts when Death turns to go. “You can’t do this to me!”  
“I am afraid I can. I did not make this rule but I cannot break it. But then,” and a half-smile appears on Death’s face again: “As far as I know, you aren't good at following rules. So maybe - you might find a way to break them.” With that Death disappears and leaves Cas alone.

Alone. A heavy sigh escapes Cas’ lips.  
He isn’t used to being alone. Not anymore. And an eternity of solitude? He lets himself fall down, not even bothering to sit on a chair. Slumped on the ground he stares at the two doors. 

He misses his family, he misses his wings, he misses the rush of air around him when he is flying. He misses being an angel. Most of all, he misses his Father. Death hasn’t said it, but it was certainly implied that choosing Dean’s heaven means that he will never bask in the warmth of his presence again. That he will never get to ask his Father all the questions that he has. But then – won’t he forget all his questions the moment he walks through the winged portal anyway?  
And what is the point in forgetting everything that he did?  
Forgetting his faults and mistakes, alright, but forgetting what it means, to breathe, to eat, to feel? Forgetting Dean? Forgetting what it means to love? Because, yes, the angels share a love for their Father and a love for their family, but it pales to the pain in his chest when he thinks of Dean. And maybe pain shouldn’t feel good, but this love, human love, has dug itself so much deeper into him than anything he’s ever felt for Anna or Balthazar or Hannah. It is a so much more profound bond. He loves Dean beyond words, loves him so much, that he would give anything to save him.  
And Castiel has given everything for him and he doesn’t regret it. 

How is this possibility, this choice a gift? It's a burden. A cruel and unfair burden. Either way, he’s going to lose something.  
He gets up and goes closer to the doors. It is beautiful, the angel door, beautiful and frightening. Which is a good comparison for his family. The other door is different. It is unassuming. Yet it is solid. It doesn’t frighten him the same way the other door does. 

It was never easy. Free will. He had stumbled his way forward without direction. He still lacks direction. Being a soldier, it was so much easier. Just follow your orders. 

And yet. 

And yet that is never what he has chosen. 

_“You have to choose, Castiel. Us or them.”_  
But it never was us or them. It always was us or _him._  
Every single time he has chosen him - over heaven, over his family, over loyalty and duty. 

_“You gave us order, Castiel, and we gave you trust. Don't lose it over one man.”_  
But Dean never was _just_ one men. He always was more. He still is.  
Maybe he has lost everything over one man, but it did not feel like a loss at all. Because he gained Dean. And if they gave him that choice now, have Dean by his side or be a commander for heaven again, there isn’t even a choice. He wants to be next to him. Wants to be by his side. No matter what Dean did. No matter what he became.

Only… That’s not the choice right now, is it? He has no guarantee that Dean will choose him, too. All he can choose is a chance. A chance that Dean will choose him as he chose Dean. He loves Dean, yes. But does he trust Dean to love him back?

 _“I need you.”_  
He cringes at the memory, at the way he got manipulated by heaven, but the pain of this moment gives him strength. Heaven manipulated him but Dean told him the truth. 

_“I need you.”_  
Castiel has even written it down, in that short last letter that had taken him longer than anything else to write in his life. “And I have found that I need you, too”, he whispers the words into the silence of the empty diner.  
This “I need you” is all that he has as proof. It is all that Dean was ever able to say out loud. But for once, Castiel doesn’t need proof. Because no matter what, from the first moment they met, without ever consciously choosing it, Castiel had faith. 

He has faith in Dean. 

And once this thought has settled, his heart gets lighter. He knows what he will do. He knows his choice.  
“Father”, he says, “if you can hear me, I love you and I will miss you. But I choose Dean. I always will. I want to wait... no... I will wait until I can greet him like I always did - _Hello Dean._ ”


End file.
